One of the things my husband and I have talked a lot about lately is when we should start trying for a second child (no, I’m not pregnant). We both want to expand our family eventually but there’s this one little thing that makes me nervous and kinda holds me back. I’m going to tell you, but try not to judge me. Are you ready? Here it is: I’m afraid I won’t love my next child as much as I love my first child.
There. I said it.
I know, I know. You think I’m silly/crazy/selfish/whatever and maybe I am, but it’s a real concern of mine. I’ve talked about this quite a bit with my sister in-law who feels the same way (see? I’m not totally alone on this!) and I think maybe we know in our heart of hearts that we would, of course, love our next child as much as our first. Because, logically, how could you not? But then on the other hand, there’s the feeling that a second child will somehow dim the relationship and love I have for my first. That maybe it won’t be as special because now there’s two.
The love I have for my baby is the greatest love I’ve ever known. It is all-consuming. It is unparalleled, unmatched, and unsurpassed by anything. And I just can’t imagine being lucky enough to feel that way twice in a lifetime. In the last year she has become my little sidekick. My partner in crime. My buddy.
I love spending time with her and the thought of having to split my attention between her and another baby breaks my heart.The thought of not being there for only her and how she’ll handle that makes my heart ache. Knowing that there will be moments of frustration and short tempers and sharp comments that may potentially be directed at her already fill me with the worst kind of mom guilt.
So there it is. All laid out and ugly for all to see. The weird, twisted reasons behind my fear.
Oh sure, there are other reasons to be scared/nervous of having a second child. All of which have crossed my mind at some point. There’s the fact that there will be wayyyyy more work. From what I hear, twice the children does not mean twice the work, it’s more like four times the work. With Olivia, I feel like I’ve hit my stride, gotten in a groove, a rhythm, and it’s been… dare I say easy? I finally got this mom thing down and another baby is gonna come in and be like, psshhh!
And also, Olivia is such a good baby, has such a good temperament, a good sleeper, a great eater, an all around happy child. I know you’re all thinking screw you right about now, but trust me, I don’t attribute it to my good parenting skills. I just got lucky and I think I now owe the universe for having such a good first child that my second child will for sure be a monster. I mean, right??
And those reasons are valid too. And I’m sure we could all think of a bunch more reasons if we really wanted to shit our pants. But that’s not the point of this post. Maybe the point of this is to talk myself off the ledge. To remind myself that there is nothing like a newborn baby. And perhaps the only thing better than a brand new baby is watching your first child hold that brand new baby. Maybe I’m suggesting that instead of a second child shoving your firstborn over and squeezing itself into your heart, maybe your heart just grows. At least that’s what I hope.
In the meantime, I’m just going to keep snuggling my one and only as much as possible.
So, anyone else ever have these thoughts? Any moms with more than 1 baby feel this way? On a scale of 1-10, how silly am I being?
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XO,
L
I think that is a completely real admission! I remember thinking to myself, what if I love my husband less when we have our first child?!?! Every love is different and your heart will just keep growing and growing!!! Great post!
I was worried before having my 2nd as well. You form such a connection with your first that it’s hard to think about adding another even if you want it, but then you have your second and the worries subside. Only you know what is right for you and you’ll figure it out!
I can totally relate to this. I often wonder what it will be like with 2!
You nailed it! I feel EXACTLY like this! I feel like my little girl is SO good that the universe is going to totally punish me with a kid that doesn’t sleep on my next go at this and it SCARES me beyond belief!
I love the idea of the heart growing! I only have one and started thinking recently about when to start trying for the 2nd but hadn’t really thought about this yet. I am sure you will fall in love again and your heart will grow to make it all fit!
Completely and 100% I feel the same way. My husband and I always talked about having two, but now that I have my son and I love him so much I don’t know if I want to “spoil” it (for lack of a better term). It makes me scared!
Glad I’m not alone! Thanks for reading, Cristina!
As a mom of three, I can definitely attest to the comment you made about your heart growing bigger. The love you have for each of your children is composed differently for each one, but not any more or any less… Loving Olivia like you do, means that you will also love another baby in the same way…Even better is that Olivia will love having a sibling and will enjoy helping you…only you know when .
Hi Nancy!!! Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your experience. And you’re so right about Olivia being able to have a sibling and helping me. XOXOXOXO
YES! I recently had a second child (6 months ago) and I had these same concerns!
I had the same fear. My son is my world – he makes my hear melt every day. And he is such a good little boy. When I had my daughter, I have to admit there wasn’t an instant connection like with my son. But now – she’s almost 14 months, I am so in love with her too. Seeing them together makes my heart so full of love, it’s the best. AND she is also an awesome sleeper, pooper, eater, etc. – just like her big brother 🙂
I felt that way too but 2 morebabies later and my oldest and I still have a special bond because she was my first. Of course, I love them all the same and am thankful for all, but with her there is something different
So this is a little different, but we had a failed adoption before my pregnancy. Throughout the pregnancy I was very depressed- I felt this (consciously created) baby was taking away my time and attention from “my” other child, a child whom I could never have in this country or in my home but whom I could visit at his orphanage until, of course, this new person came along and demanded all of my attention. I figured the baby would keep me from traveling to see him (and so far that has been true). I figured my priorities would change. Someone actually told me I would love “our” first child less once our bio baby was born. This was meant to be a comfort, but it was a terrible thing to hear and to think about.
I didn’t love our bio baby when he was inside me. I didn’t know how. I loved this other child, our first child- a concrete person who I actually knew, who I felt was taken from me. This other person growing inside me was an invader.
When he was born it took me about 30 seconds to feel more love for him than I ever knew was possible. The feelings of loss from our first baby will never disappear, and I will never stop loving him, but in the end it didn’t keep me from loving our second. Instead, the experience made my capacity for love grow. I feel so fortunate to have both children taking up space in my heart. Thankfully, love is not a limited commodity. I (selfishly?) almost want to have another just to see how big my heart can get.
Wow! Thank you so much for sharing your story, Katie! I love how you said that “love is not a limited commodity.” Something to keep in mind. Thank you for reading!
Mama, I am SO with you. I have had these same thoughts every single day since deciding we want to have another one!
xo
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OMG this is exactly how I felt when we were trying for our second. I will tell you that my heart grew at having him. I certainly did not think it was possible but I love him just as much as I love my first. It is an amazing thing and I wonder about it all the time. I was actually just thinking about this this morning. How unsure I was at what I envisioned as an “intruder” but now I can’t imagine my life without him. My heart grew to include him the very instant I laid eyes on him. heart emoticon
AND…your not being silly at all. blessings!
That’s definitely reassuring! Thank you so much for sharing your experience!
Just curious…do you think women are more likely to have this concern if they experienced sibling rivalry when they were children? It’s interesting that some women find this thought natural while it never occurs to others.
Hi Deandra! I suppose that’s a possibility, but I’m an only child so maybe that’s why I have these fears!
You know how I feel…. loved this post